c:

I used to think that I won’t be able to find peace of mind, that this mindset and way of being doesn’t apply to me, because of the severity of my problems. ‘My specific problems are too much—that’s why I’m excluded from peacefulness and serenity. It can’t apply, in my case.’ But it does, I think(!) It applies to everyone.  

I think what I need to do moving forward is; I need to read in a more conscious way, a more focused way. I already have a good personal library of books, and so I should definitely read and reread those. I think that’ll help me a lot. And I need to pay special attention to my upcoming semester at school. I want to take as much away from it as possible, I wanna study video/film production as well as I can. I’m not sure if things will go that smoothly with my studies, but I’m definitely going to try my best. I also need to pay attention to my illustration efforts, and my poetry/essay efforts. I can’t help but think that this is basically what I’m meant to do with my life; these independent, artistic things, like illustration and creative writing. This might be my general area of interest, these might be the couple of things that I should focus on and try to busy myself with throughout my life. I used to do them as a hobby, but I guess I can try and make something of it. I’m currently working on an essay/poetry collection, and I’m gonna self-publish it, probably with a pdf version of it made available, too. I could try to send the manuscript to an actual publisher, a small press, but I don’t think I wanna do that. I’d rather self-publish; it’s more meaningful that way to me, personally. -And I’m gonna open a print-on-demand store through a POD art site, where I can try and sell items with my original illustrations printed on them. (Folders, wall art, and so on.) I feel that maybe art and creative writing is my general interest area. I often feel that it’s the only thing that fills the empty and adrift feeling, the inkling that life has no meaning. Art, music, literature, spirituality, etc.–that’s the only thing that fills the void, for me. Nothing else fills it. (And so I’m going to focus on my art/writing practice and on my spiritual understanding and development, while I pursue a career in videography and film. I.e., beyond my post-production media work, I think I’ll focus on my drawing and poetry/personal essay efforts. This is basically what I do with my life, I guess—with my time. -my creative writing and illustration is very diary-esque; it’s not academic work or stuff that deserves to be archived or taken seriously.)

In the past, I’ve done things like tutor after school, and volunteer with miscellaneous activities at a nonprofit in my neighborhood. I’m not sure if I’ll continue with that type of thing in the near future; I think I wanna focus on my studies and on my creative stuff, for now. And I’ll start applying for jobs in my field, once I’m done with school–I’ll start applying for work in film and video. I hope to work for black-owned video production companies as a black person, black woman. (I’m Sudanese.) I don’t know if there are many such companies, but I hope so. I hope to get the chance to work on things like wedding videos, special event vids, community event videos, and etc. Perhaps more so than that, I wanna work on video editing (post-production work) for small businesses, nonprofits, law firms, hospitals, schools, and etc. I think many different types of organizations need this specific type of work done for them, and so I’m hopeful about my job prospects. And I think tv and film also need post-production work done for them; it’s not only video production companies. -If I put in enough dedication, focus, and patience, if I manage to see things through and do my work to the best of my ability, I should be ok. I’m glad I changed course from the social service thing, the teaching/library science/grant writing/paralegal thing. I couldn’t do that sort of thing if my whole life depended on it. ): Those jobs are quite essential, but I know I couldn’t do that. I was originally planning on going for something like that, but I’m glad I recognized what I’m good at vs what I’m unsuited for, what I have real difficulty with.

(It’s funny, ‘cause I feel that some types of jobs [like the latter aforementioned] are more tenured, in a way. There’s more stability and retention with them; you’re not going to lose your job that easily. They’re more retained and tenured, somehow. But I’m not the type to choose my field and line of work based on retainability; I’m the type that has to really find meaning in what I do, regardless of whether it’s a highly stable choice or not. I think the creative fields, the creative professions, are more shaky and unstable, for some reason. Even if you’re an excellent worker, you’re still in a position wherein you have to build that trust and climb the ladder until you’re in a position where you’ve acquired some seniority and some stability. I think many jobs in the creative sector, and even in the overall private sector, are of this nature; design/graphic design, web design, tech/coding, motion graphics, and etc. Not only is the competition stiff, but I think the job stability is not high in the early years when one is just starting out. But I know that if you stick with it, you gain a lot more trust with your employer(s), and you gain a sort of tenure//a more senior position and standing. *I’d personally prefer to do something I truly enjoy and face some difficult side-issues, than deliberately choose a career I know I don’t enjoy, solely for the tenure/stability, the solid ground. I say this as someone whose family is more aligned with the medical profession/engineering/higher ed, and etc.—I know the perks of those types of options, very well. But I’d rather accept instability and perhaps a lower salary than go for something I don’t like. Also; there’s more to life than a high(er) salary and the promise of stability. It’s (honestly) not natural to work in a job that you don’t enjoy. It’s not natural, and you’re gonna end up missing out on so much in life. I’ve actually been rudely insulted by more than a few professionals, some medical professionals and so on. And college professors at my school, and etc. It was near-abuse. ):  I couldn’t help but wonder whether they were happy with their work, with their day to day goings-on. If I do what I enjoy, well that’s the natural thing. I won’t be in a situation where I have to snap at anyone or be upset about the overall condition, circumstance. And I feel that this idea is extremely true and simple—it’s not an exotic concept at all. A lot of people chase money and stability over their preferred craft, their preferred line of work-—that’s not natural at all. It’ll lead to emotional (behavioral) problems later down the line, more than likely. *But the government should do more, as well; there’s nothing wrong with a stronger and more efficient (more effective) welfare state, to help those who need help. Not everyone makes a lot of money through their work; that’s where society should intervene in times of need and in necessary situations. I think we might be moving in a direction of guaranteed income and an expanded welfare state anyway, and so that’s fantastic. There’s nothing wrong with helping those who are less fortunate, who come from lower income backgrounds and circumstances. My whole philosophy from the beginning was that we all have something to offer; and that socioeconomics is a delicate balance between what you owe yourself (and perhaps your immediate family, and those around you), and what society owes you in return; what an advanced society owes the individual. It’s mainly about doing what you can, and society should fill in the gaps whenever they get to be problematic. It’s often difficult to cope on your own when you’re of a certain socioeconomic background, and so there’s nothing wrong with help, whether financial or otherwise. It’s all good; I’m glad I have some good principles I believe in, in regards to these kinds of issues. This is in regards to work, employment, societal intervention, economic help, anti-poverty, pro-prosperity, and etc.)

I hope I find like-minded peers and friends in the near future; that would be nice. It might happen, it might not. I’m gonna keep believing in allah swt, and I’m gonna keep my head up, and try to think a little more clearly. I’m gonna try to let go of paranoia and fear and irritation/sadness, and things like that. Worry, anxiety, and etc. It’s all got to go, it’s way too much. -It’s all good, I’m not sad over anything that has happened in the past, in my past. We all have bad things that have happened to us. Hopefully I can overcome all of the negative thoughts, and just live normally. alhamdulillah, praise be to god. It’s alright; I’m not sad over anything at all.

ty.✨